Chapter 4: I can’t carry this anymore, heavy from the hurt inside my veins

Thankfully, Jun didn’t need to ask Juudai to stay the night. The man fell asleep on the couch where they had been watching TV on Jun’s computer after only 45 minutes. Jun had the next day off, and even though he was tired and should go to bed, he sat on the other end of the couch, curled up with Cheeseburger in his lap, watching the other sleep while he thought.

He didn’t know what to do with this situation. He’d spent the last decade all alone, no one from when he was Manjoume Jun knowing where he was or how he was doing, and now they would find out everything. Juudai had given him all of their numbers, so he could contact them himself, but had said that if he wanted to call any of them together, he would be there for him. Did this mean he wanted to call them tomorrow? Or was he planning on staying around or at least in contact with him after this? Would Juudai go back to travelling again tomorrow? The man had hardly stayed still since they graduated and had seen so many places in the world at this point, it would be odd for him to stay long in once place at this point.

He buried his face in Cheeseburger’s fur and suppressed a groan of frustration. Could his head just fucking stop, for once, that’d be great.

Sleep didn’t get to him til the sun started to rise.

Juudai hadn’t been lying when he said he really liked cooking now. Jun was woken up by the scent of pancakes and a distinct lack of a yelling cat; she had clearly been distracted by the man in the tiny kitchen, waiting for him to drop something. Juudai was quietly humming in an attempt at not waking Jun up too early, which he definitely appreciated. He was surprised enough that Juudai’s snores hadn’t woken him up. He definitely didn’t remember it wrong when he thought back to how loud he did that back in high school.

Jun stretched as he got up, his body aching from sleeping on the couch. His shoulder hated him when he moved the limb, and he flinched at the pain. He would have to remember never to fall asleep sitting up on the couch again, but for now he was lucky he didn’t have to work until tomorrow morning. He’d have time for the worst of the pain to go away.

“You gotta stop buying me food.” Juudai startled, turning around to face him with a huge smile. His clothes were rumpled from sleeping in them and his hair was a mess, but he clearly didn’t care.

“Good morning! The cat god demanded sacrifice.” That made Jun actually snort, and he had to turn away to hide that he too was smiling at the dumb joke. “She woke me up early and you slept right through her, so I found her food and gave her some. How’d you do that?”

“Practice from tuning out your snoring when we were roommates.” That made Juudai laugh and he flipped the pancakes in the pan. “Breakfast is ready in just a few minutes. I got berries too, they’re under the bowl over there.” He pointed out an upturned bowl on the kitchen counter next to the microwave.

It wasn’t enough time to shower, so Jun decided to clear off the kitchen table. He rarely used it, so it was filled with books and various items that didn’t really have their own place. There was even a DVD out of its case that he still hadn’t found after he and his latest ex had their big blowout that ended with the neighbour threatening to call the cops on them. That had finally gotten his pissed off boyfriend to leave, even though Jun wasn’t the one caught cheating. In Jun’s apartment no less. Disgusting. It was a wonder the DVD was still intact after that fight; he’d had to repair and throw out several things after that night. He put the DVD in his bookshelf for now, before setting the table. The whole situation felt terribly domestic and ridiculously out of place to him at the same time.

Just as he put a jug of water on the table, Juudai put the last pancake on the pile and turned off the stove. They sat down together, Cheeseburger curling up at Jun’s feet, warming his toes. Breakfast was spent with mostly Juudai talking, giving Jun a rundown of what he and everyone else had done, Jun chiming in once or twice when it was something he’d seen posted on instagram and could still remember. It was nice, even though Jun had to eat pretty slowly with how his shoulder hurt whenever he had to use the knife. He’d have to start stretching in the mornings again for a while.

They did the dishes together again, and this time Juudai insisted on doing the drying so he could see how well he remembered where things went from last night. He did pretty well, honestly.

It was after they’d both showered and Jun had changed his clothes (Juudai didn’t change his, like the hooligan he was) that things got awkward. Jun was staring at his phone the whole time Juudai was in the shower, to the point that he didn’t notice the other man come back into the joint living room/bedroom.

“What’re you thinking about?” Jun startled as Juudai sat down next to him on the floor where he’d lied down on his back, staring at the device in his hand, the contact info for Fubuki open on the screen. He shut the screen down and put it next to himself, scratching Cheeseburger on her chin absently. “I don’t know what to tell them. It was easier with you since I was ambushed into it, but now I’ve got to choose who to contact, and how to tell them what happened without it getting back to my brothers somehow. What if they tell the cops?” He’d never have talked so openly about this back in high school, but now he couldn’t stop himself. It had been so long with nothing but him and his thoughts spinning around in his head like a never ending nightmare.

Jun heard a coo above him and to the side, and when he turned his head, Winged Kuriboh was hovering between the two friends with a concerned little look in his eyes. Juudai was looking at him with a similar look on his face, before he lied down next to him on the floor on his side, eyes still on him. “You know several of our friends have just as many contacts as your brothers do. Edo knows Kaiba now, we’d totally be able to protect you.” Winged Kuriboh cooed in agreement, putting a little paw on Jun’s forehead.

“I can take care of myself. I’ve managed so far.”

“But are you happy?” When Jun med Juudai’s eyes the feeling was soul crushing. Of course he wasn’t happy. He’d joked about wishing he’d died if he’d have known what his life would be like now, right in front of Juudai. And Juudai knew he wasn’t happy. He was just… getting more and more depressed with no way to get out of it without risking everything. He’d tried so hard to make sure to stay hidden that he didn’t really know who he was anymore. He didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to handle going like this; day in and day out just waiting for the other shoe to drop, being terrified. There had been several times when he’d been close to just ending it all.

He knew he couldn’t go on like this for another ten years.

Jun rolled to his side, forcing himself not to curl into a ball, instead settling with making sure Juudai couldn’t see the expression on his face. And with the smallest voice Juudai had ever heard come out of the other man, whispered ‘okay’.

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