Chapter 20

It was the morning of his first therapy appointment. The day after the evening of D&D he’d spent with Juudai, Syo and Kenzan. They’d played video games at Syo and Kenzan’s apartment, and then him and Juudai had just walked around, as much as his mind was able to handle. It was still stressful, but it was becoming a tiny bit easier each time they went outside. He knew that if he stayed inside a single day he’d take several steps back again, and his stubbornness was the only thing keeping him from locking himself in his bedroom to hide away forever.

 

He woke up with Juudai’s arms wrapped around him, his cheek pressed to Jun’s chest. Jun gently combed through the tangles in Juudai’s hair, until it was as smooth as it could get without a brush. He was humming quietly, a song Misawa had been playing on the radio last night while they cleaned up after dinner together. His eyes had fallen shut after a while, fingers running over Juudai’s scalp as he was lulled back to sleep by the calm of the morning.

 

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When he woke up again it was to kisses all over his face, and when he gave a surprised but happy good morning Juudai went in for the lips. Jun laughed against the lips on his own, pressing closer to the other man as he kissed his way down his jaw. Together they worked the shirt off his body and Juudai continued downward. Jun’s fingers buried into Juudai’s hair.

 

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The man in front of him was one of Ryo’s old therapists, and Jun spent the first ten minutes of the meeting unable to even open his mouth, not even to introduce himself. They were meeting in Ryo’s office, and he had told them to use it as long as they wanted to. 

 

The problem was that Jun didn’t know how to do this. Taking care of his mental health had never been something he’d been taught to do, and he’d been raised to avoid professionals who were supposed to help with that like his life depended on it. Technically it had. Kind of still did, if his brothers saw his name pop up somewhere. Though he doubted they were looking, he still felt so scared to bare himself and his feelings to this man.

 

The therapist was patient, and let him take his time. He spent the time Jun was silent introducing himself as Inaba Takara, and then telling him more about himself, in hope of getting Jun to warm up a little. Ryo must have told him a little bit about how Jun had been raised, with that amount of patience with someone who didn’t even say a word in response to anything he said. Or were all therapists like this? He’d talked a little bit about them with Syo yesterday, but this hadn’t really come up and he had chickened out of asking anyone else. 

 

Time ticked by, and he felt himself getting more and more stressed by not speaking. He wanted to say something, he really did, he just didn’t know how to get there. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before finally blurting something out after 20 minutes of complete silence on his part. “My brothers taught me not to talk to people like you and then they tried to kill me so I really shouldn’t listen to what they said to me or care at all but I’m freaking the fuck out here and I don’t know how to stop caring about what they said to me my whole life, I know it’s stupid but even though they think I’m dead and they actually think they did it I can’t stop thinking about that they’d think--” He had to stop, losing his breath. There, he’d said something, even if he wasn’t sure the therapist had caught the entirety of it.

 

“Sorry, I, I just don’t...  don’t know how to… t-talk to you.”

 

“It’s okay to be scared. If it’s something you were taught for a long time it’s hard to let go of just like that. You need to work on letting go of it, but things like that take a lot of work.”

 

“But it’s been years , I should’ve gotten better by now, at least a little bit, but I wasted so much time just sitting here like a pathetic idiot.”

 

The therapist handed him a box of tissues, Jun blowing his nose and drying the tears he hadn’t even noticed he’d started shedding with how worked up he was getting.

 

“Often, things can get worse if we just let it sit and fester without any sort of treatment. It’s not strange for you to get worse due to this, so it’s nothing to tear yourself down about. We’ll work on this if you’re comfortable with it, as long as it’s needed.”

 

“Oh. Uh. Thank you.”

 

“No problem.”

 

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Disregarding the rough start of the meeting, it went better than he could have expected. He didn’t have a panic attack, didn’t throw up. The therapist went forward in a very slow pace, not pushing him more than he was able to handle. It was still a relief when it was over though, and he collapsed on the couch in Ryo’s office once it was just him in there.

 

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He must have fallen asleep in there, because when he became aware of his surroundings again it was to the sound of the clacking of a keyboard, and when he opened his eyes he saw Ryo by his desk, working without paying his previously sleeping form any attention, just letting him sleep. A blanket had been draped across Jun’s body, and he kept it wrapped over his back and shoulders when he sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

 

He felt Ryo’s eyes on him, the sound of typing pausing for a moment before the teal haired man spoke. “I’ll drive you home when you’re ready, but don’t feel like you have to rush, I’ll be done with this in fifteen minutes, I’ve got more things I can do in case you need more time.”

 

“Hey, sorry, I didn’t think I’d fall asleep.”

 

“I did after my first few sessions as well, I wasn’t surprised. It takes a toll on you dealing with so many emotions at once.” He paused for a moment before motioning to the table in front of Jun. “There’s tea in that thermos if you want it.”

 

“Oh. Thank you.”

 

A mug was standing next to the thermos, and Jun poured himself some. He’d never spent time alone with Ryo before, so this was a strange experience, even if you discounted the therapy session that had brought him into the other man’s office.

 

“Did you, uh. How long did you… see a therapist?”

 

“Since shortly after Syo graduated. I still see one now, though it’s once a month rather than once a week. I saw Inaba-sensei twice a week for a year.”

 

“Did it… help?”

 

“A lot. Some times are better than others, and I have to go in more often, but I’m mostly stable now. The medication helps too.”

 

Jun was surprised he told him that. It wasn’t something you just talked about. But he supposed there was a reason behind it now. “I didn’t know you took medication.”

 

“I have for three years.”

 

“I don’t know if, if I could, I mean…”

 

“They won’t put you on medication right away, and only if you really need it. There’s nothing wrong with needing it.”

 

That’s when Jun realised how his words might be taken, and he grips the mug tighter. “I didn’t mean to be disrespectful or anything, I mean, uh, I just, I wasn’t allowed to even talk about my mental health, they’d have killed me if I took meds. Which I mean, they tried to kill me either way, so I guess that doesn’t matter. I just meant, I didn’t mean to be rude to you.”

 

“I understand, don’t worry about it.”

 

“Right. Um. Sorry. Thank you. For the tea. And for talking to me a bit about this stuff.”

 

“No problem. I’ll give you my number in case you want to talk more about this.” The sound of a computer turning off chimed between them, and Ryo shut the laptop in front of him. “Now, let’s get you home. I’m sure Juudai is waiting for you.”

 

“Thank you.”

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